Monday, August 9, 2010

The Post-Surgical Supplies

Note:  Today is the first anniversary of Funny Is the New Young!  Cake is being served, so please help yourself to a generous slice.  I'm always glad you came by!

As moms, there isn’t much we won’t do for our kids, right? And this is especially true after they make us grandmothers! As they say at, it’s great to be grand.

Anyhoo, I was the designated driver/runner of errands/chief cook and bottle washer/tidier/ laundress and “other duties as assigned” as my old employer used to say, at my recent stay with my daughter and her family when she was having her second son. Do you need me to tell you how much I relished that role? (I also relished the roll, when I made hot dogs, but that’s not important right now…)

So, I was saying… There I was, always at the ready, panting like a puppy waiting for the rubber ball to leave its master’s hand, hoping for a helpful assignment on my daughter Rachel’s first morning home from the hospital.

Bingo! “Mom, could you do me a favor?” Hey, that is exactly what I’m here for, at least during the moments that I’m not holding the new little guy. “I bought the pads the surgical instruction sheet told me to get, but they’re awful. Do you mind going to the store for me?”

Great, just give me specifics, and I’ll be on it like white on rice.

“Well,” she said, “I can’t really tell you exactly what to get, I just know I can’t use these. They’re ginormous.” Actually, given the situation, perhaps that should be spelled ‘gynormous’. “I need something smaller and, well-- wearable.”

Big is bad? I wondered aloud. Post surgery? Isn’t big good in this case? I realize that my child-bearing years are behind me, but still…

That’s when she gave me a little demonstration. Here’s the way this story, ahem, unfolds…

“See?” she said. “They’re way too big to wear!”

Wow, I had never seen anything like it. I even took out a tape measure so that you could see that one of these babies is a full 14” long. Put wheels on it and it’s a skateboard.

I went to the store supremely confident that I could select the right product. How hard could it be to scale back from the Mondo-Gigundo-Unspeakably Absorbent design? Then I stepped into the aisle of ‘feminine hygiene products’. I was shocked to see the number and assortment of sizes, weights, shapes and styles. Reading the packages took forever. Overnight, super-absorbent, ultra-absorbent, with wings, wingless, scented, holy smoke, I was floored! The comparison and analysis took a while, but I made a decision, and went on my way.

When I got home, Rachel asked me what I bought. I think I got the ostrich-type—you know, flightless? I told her. “You mean without wings?” Exactly. And two steps down from the ones you had.

“Mom… “

“They’re not skateboards, honey. I think they’re more like flip-flops.” At least they open in two steps instead of four. A significant improvement.

And now, dear readers, your cake, as promised!

Take as much as you want, no calories and no guilt!  Enjoy! I'm always glad you came by.


  1. Oh boy! I get to be first to congratulate you on your blogiversary!! Seriously, can you remember what life was like before blogging? I've been at it since April 2005 and have what must be close to 1800 posts now. Long-winded I am, HA! My blog is so closely a part of my life...what did I ever do with all these words when I had nowhere else to write them?? Maybe that's why I used to have a bazillion pen pals in the old snail mail days!

  2. I'm laughing my head off over here! Skateboards and flip flops - you're a scream. Happy Anniversary and the cake is divine (but its getting into my mustache)xx

  3. Happy Anniversary!! The cake looks amazing.

  4. I 'relished the roll, when I made hot dogs' haha, that made me laugh! Those pads are huge, how does anyone fit them on their panties is what I would like to know.

    You are very funny and I'm so glad you stopped by my blog. Congrats and thanks for the cake :)

  5. Congratulations. Can I get a slice with extra icing?

    I'm avoiding the topic of the day, if you haven't noticed.

  6. Oh, that is funny. I clearly remember the skateboard of a pad post-labor. Oh, man.

  7. Happy Blogiversary!

    Wow! I had no idea such feminine hygiene products exist now (thank you depo shot). Makes you wonder who the test group was when that company researched for marketing purposes.