New and Improved? Say It Ain't So

Dear Coffee-mate,


What were you thinking? Once upon a time I could pop open my trusty bottle of Fat-Free Hazelnut Coffee-mate, topple a blob into my coffee, and enjoy my favorite morning taste treat.

You had to go and change it, didn’t you? 

Back in the day—like, until a couple of months ago—it was all so simple. When we opened a new bottle of Coffee-mate there was a foil seal to remove, so we knew it was unadulterated.

Then you changed the design, so that there’s a spiffy little plastic ring to pull out, not unlike cartons of orange juice, for example. Yes, it looks very impressive. Bet you put a bundle into the new design, didn’t you?

Trouble is, now when we screw the top back on, and pop it open, we not only pour a little Coffee-mate into our coffee, we get a significant dribble of the precious liquid down the side of the bottle. It’s inescapable.

It seems to me that your parent company, Nestle’, would have been able to test-market this new design before approving it and inflicting it on us sending it out all over the country. It seems to me that Nestle’ would have made sure that if they were spending the money to re-tool and create a totally new bottle design for a product that brings in $483 gazillion dollars a year, they would want it to be an actual IMPROVEMENT over the old design.

But I would be wrong.

The old design never dripped.

This one drips. Every time. In every bottle I’ve had since they changed the spout, not once has it failed to send a little stream of fat-free hazelnut yummitude down the outside of the bottle. So every time I use it, I have to wipe it clean, and wipe any place it splashed onto, or dripped onto while I was finagling it like a baton twirler trying to outsmart the thing. At least half the time my fingers get sticky while this is happening. I’m pretty sure this qualifies me as a slow learner, but that’s not bothering me too much just yet.

Whenever my mom saw that some product she liked was being touted as ‘new and improved’, she used to say, “There goes that.” And she was usually right. They would take something she liked just fine and spoil it in some way.

I’m not saying that’s happened with my Fat-Free Hazelnut Coffee-mate, but they are teetering on the brink. Am I going to stop using the stuff? No way, Ness-lay. But this qualifies as ANNOYING with a capital A.

Aaaaand a deep cleansing breath—and thank you for letting me vent.