Sunday, January 24, 2010

The Nose Knows, Part II

Thought I was the first person in history to die on the table having a septoplasty? Not so much. The surgery, as it happens, was not bad. The recovery, on the other hand, not so good.

Actually, if I had not had an allergic reaction to the antibiotic I was given, I think I’d be feeling a whole lot better by now, but we never know, do we?

So my thanks go to a fine surgeon and a terrific O.R. and Recovery staff, and the ability of the human body to recover from the assaults we perform on it! I’m getting better, and despite my expectations to the contrary, I can clearly breathe better than I expected to five days post-op.

And since I’ve taken to pontificating on the virtues of good manners in the past, I believe this is my opportunity to address the topic as it applies to the hospital room. Thus, here comes:

Hospital Etiquette for the Hopelessly Dense Inpatient

1. When your guests come to visit, lower your voices so that I’m not overhearing your family drama. I now know who cheated on whom, how many times, and why. I’m honestly not interested, and I needed to sleep more than I needed the theater.

2. Phone calls that your son needs to make about his truck repairs could conceivably be made elsewhere. I’m just saying…

3. When you take a phone call, please mute your t.v. The soap operas to which you are apparently addicted are competing with your personal spectacle, and the plotlines of the two overlap and confuse me. I have enough trouble keeping my own life straight. Don’t inject yours into my head.

4. When you leave the room to ‘ambulate the halls’ as our dry-erase board so officially puts it, that’s also a good time to mute (or, heaven forfend!—turn off!) your t.v.

5. Thanks for sharing your theory that “You could meet someone in Vegas and get married the same day, and your chances of it working out are just as good as anyone else’s.” This may have been developed via the extensive and exhaustive study you’ve made of soap operas. I’m not sure you have the (real-life) statistics to back it up.

So, while I felt your pain, got the nurse for you (when I could), tried to help insofar as I was able, and hope you’re feeling lots better, I still feel justified in making these simple suggestions. I hope neither of us ever needs them again!

Meanwhile, may all your ailments be treated in the office, and may any future hospitalizations be conducted with a maximum of decorum and a minimum of drama.


  1. Oh, I know what you mean about hospital manners. I join you in hoping you don't have to concern yourself with that ever again! And glad to hear you are getting better, day by day.

  2. Maybe I'm a weirdo but I love hearing about family drama since I don't have a lot of it. It's probably why I watch shows like Grey's Anatomy and such...

  3. I've been blessed with non-full hospital stays in the past. No roommates!
    If I have to BE there, this was the best scenerio possible.

    But doesn't witnessing that debacle make you feel SO MUCH better about your own life? Glad to hear your recovery is going well!

  4. Well, I'm glad your surgery was successful, and I hope you are feeling better.

  5. Glad you are feeling better! Sorry to hear that you had a rude roommate though. Welcome back!

  6. I LOVE your voice! I'm just sayin'...

    Ambulate the halls? I work for the department of our state that regulates hospitals and nursing homes and I always get a kick out of the fancy terminology they use for everything!

    I could write the same etiquette blog about my cubicle neighbor. I share an office with a guy, with just a cubicle wall separating us, and all day I have to listen to his YouTube videos and whistling and drama with his baby momma... Luckily I have headphones but it chaps my hide that he can't listen to his videos through headphones...

  7. Oh now I'm really not sure I want my septum fixed if I have to stay overnight. I thought it was an outpatient thing like when they took the scar tissue out of my nose when I was in high school. The only time I've stayed in the hospital was when I gave birth, and the maternity wards I've been in were private rooms only. I don't like sharing. I blame being raised as an only child. Or maybe that it's because I have a husband and 2 young boys, so a hospital stay should be a time to rest and get well, not in an environment that would be a lot like being at home.

  8. Glad you are better! And sorry for the nutiness at the hospital. Def not what you needed!