How to Live Longer
A Primer for Husbands, Boyfriends, and Insignificant Others
You may have noticed that we’ve had a few recent posts on why men don’t live as long as women do. The typical self-starter could take those posts and re-frame them as lessons on how to extend their life expectancies. It has been my experience, however, that most people benefit from the more direct approach, and would like to have these things spelled out for them.
That said, here comes a step-by-step guide to a longer and happier life.
1. Listen to your partner. I’m not talking about fake listening. I’m saying you should learn to really ‘be in the moment’, and pay attention when she talks. This is not difficult, it costs you nothing, and the rewards are both tangible and intangible. None of that “Uh-huh, uh-huh, yeah,” stuff that you think makes HER think you’re listening. She sees through that, and you’re losing ground. Pretend she’s one of the guys, and the subject is football/fishing/cars/hoops/brewskis. Or that she’s your boss, and your performance review is today.
2. Make eye contact when either one of you is talking. This is worth its weight in tequila, and I’m not kidding. You’d be surprised how valuable it is. For one thing, it leads to greater intimacy, and that’s pretty much what you’re after anyway, right? Try it—it’s also free.
3. Yes, you can still look at other women, but try not to:
a. Pull a muscle contorting to do so
b. Run into a pillar, an oncoming truck, or a Steelers linebacker doing so
c. Slip and fall in a pool of your own slobber en route to doing so
4. Everything you think does not need to be said aloud. To wit, if you have some pleasant memories of an ex-girlfriend (or ex-wife, for that matter), you would be well-advised to keep them to yourself. That includes sharing with the guys, because one of those bozos is likely to pop off about it in front of your partner. Seriously, you can’t be as naïve as Tiger Woods, and think that nobody’s going to blab.
5. It’s all well and good for your partner to point out that someone you see is attractive, beautiful, or even gorgeous. It is not all right for YOU to do so, unless you can credibly couch it in terms of said woman being LESS attractive than she is.
6. Similarly, let me say from experience, that if your wife or girlfriend identifies a female and asks what you think of her, the correct answer may be:
a. To disagree
b. To agree reluctantly, or
c. To say, “Heidi Klum? I guess she’s okay, but she’s nowhere near as hot as you are!”
The correct answer is never, NEVER “Yummy.” This led to an unfortunate meeting of someone’s skull and a cast-iron skillet. In my dreams. Hey—you dream your dreams, and I’ll dream mine.
This concludes today’s lesson on survival skills for men. Tune in often for updates, and feel free to write for help as needed.