Friday, August 27, 2010

90th Anniversary? But We Look So Young!

Yesterday was Women’s Equality Day, and the 90th anniversary of women’s suffrage. Of course, lots of women are still suffering, but that’s not important right now…

So to celebrate this momentous occasion, the venerable Ellen Goodman emerged, if only briefly, from her retirement, to bestow the “Equal Rites Awards—Acknowledging those who have done the most to set back women’s rights over the last year.” I believe that if she sees her shadow, we will have six more weeks of absurdity.

Goodman points out that it took 90 years to get three women on the Supreme Court, but if you still count Diana Ross, that’s four. What? What’d I say?

Anyhoo, space prohibits me from telling you about all her awardees, (yeah, space and copyright laws), but here are a few of my favorites:

The International Ayatollah Award went to a senior Iranian cleric who stated that women who “do not dress modestly” cause earthquakes. Really. And oil rig explosions cause hurricanes. (Not really.)

Then she gave a Blind Justice Award to Rome’s all-male clerics who declared that ordaining women is as grave a crime in church law as pedophilia. Well, it seems to me, Ellen, that since they don’t seem to punish pedophilia much, this may have been less damning than you thought.

Mel Gibson (ah yes, he is in the news again!) got the Raging Hormonal Imbalance Award for his eight-minute audio-taped rant telling his ex-girlfriend that she needs “a bat to the head”. Gosh, like Charlie Sheen, should we just wait until they actually kill some woman? Oops, I didn’t mean to get started…

The Male-Practice Award went to Bob Marshall, a Virginia legislator who says that disabled children are God’s punishment for women who had an abortion. Really? God punishes CHILDREN for women’s abortion? That doesn’t sound like the loving God that holds us in the palm of His hand to me?

And my personal favorite, the Northern Irish, pro-family, 60-year old female politician who had an affair with a 19-year old. And unbelievably, her name is Mrs. Robinson. Iris Robinson, and like Dave Barry, I swear I am not making this up. She was given the Dubious Equality Award for the woman who has done the most to emulate the worst.

So it was nice to have Ellen Goodman back on the Op-Ed page, if only for a day. I hope she saw her shadow. We could use more laughs.


  1. I like the way you write... funny in a subtle way.
    Keep it up :)

    All the best.

  2. HA!
    Those are great! Mrs. Robinson...really? Wow. I'd like to look good enough (or feel good enough about myself naked) at 60 to have an affair with a 19 year old. Geez.

  3. coup coup catch you!

    silly politicians.

    It's incredible that we still go through what we do.

  4. I miss Ellen Goodman...thanks for sharing a few of her brilliant comments.

  5. I miss Ellen Goodman, too! Those awards were priceless. Congrats on winning the Erma Bombeck award, BTW. Just stopped by from SITS to say hi. Hope you will find time to do the same.

  6. Hilarious! Thanks for stopping by my blog! 60 & 19? That's like sleeping with your grandchild. If I'm going the math right LoL

  7. Yes, we could use more laughs.

    I just re-watched The Graduate a couple of weekends ago. The whole thing made me nervous. I guess I wouldn't be a good...Mrs. Robinson.

    Great writing.


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